Let's see Maybe.

Well, I just have to add, as I have written a bit about this girl who my heart followed to NYC with me following behind like a reluctant dumb waiter, my odds are not good. Tonight I ate Chinese delivery using two pens as chopsticks because I don't have silver wear yet, and they didn't put a plastic fork or chopsticks in the bag. That was slippery. So I wanted to make a point about the unlikelihood of anything actually happening with this girl Jenn. She's a woman now, I don't know why I call her a girl. I guess I'm still just a boy. I may really be in New York City to let go of this girl, rather than unite with her as a woman. Maybe I had to follow my heart to let the chords finally be cut and let the spirit go free. We'll see. There is a strong conviction, fed by the molecular stimulants to be sure, that I'm somehow meant for this girl. But I don't think she's interested. In fact I've put plenty of nails in the coffin of any "normal" relationship with Jenn. It's coming up on the 10 year anniversary of me calling her up from the psych ward in hysterics, or maybe it was rehab. I can't really be sure. I was crazy at the time after all. And whenever I go crazy, I go bonkers for this girl. And that's not to say that the love is not always just right there under the surface and ready to ripple its madness, not that I don't think about her every day even when I'm not having the revelations. I thought I had let the girl go. I want her to be happy, I want her to be free. I have to imagine she must be. And she certainly does not need me. And a gayer little rhyme has never been seen. So what am I doing in New York? I'm learning to be me. But I'm fooling myself if I think the process is done. The girl, who I've called the Jew because she is Jewish and once asked me if I would think of converting to Judaism if I married a Jew, is the one really teaching me. She's like my little guardian angel in an alternate universe. The odds of us getting together are probably about 1 in a trillion, maybe 1 in 7 billion, well maybe slightly better than that, but either way they are probably close to the same odds that we are living on this planet, conscious beings experiencing our own deaths, orbiting around the sun in an infinite universe, talking on cellular phones, shooting ourselves through the sky at 500 miles an hour and launching ourselves into outer space in rockets, and communicating with our kin in a digital world of 0s and 1s. How apt that my new zip code is 10001. I'm just a slow learner. At the time I told Jenn that I'd never be a Jew, I had opinions. There was no way I was going to convert to Judaism for any damn thing. I can't remember why. I've had to hate all religions and deconstruct it all and be a nothing in order to come full circle, back to my Episcopalian roots as a child, back to my Jewish roots before that, I mean you did have to be a Jew to be a Christian originally, and back to my African roots before that, because we did all walk out of Africa, all our ancestors are there, and back to my primordial oozeness before that, in order to discover again that in the Nothing, it is all true. I can be it all, as long as I am nothing. And everyone else can be just as much whatever they are as they are. It's all good. So I may have to marry a blond German, Uberales. Who knows. The point is that I have ceased thinking that I really have a choice in the matter. It's like my old self, the self that I identified with as a separate entity, an Andrew, who had been wounded and needed something to complete me, that selfish entity striving to be a self, separate, individual, the Ayn Rand prototype human, it's like that Andrew has died. I have become, or am striving to become, a nothing. I renounce the illusion of control. One thing is for damn sure. I love my dog. I'm just doing this thing. I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. I'm a servant. That's the work of love, the work of the nothing. Maybe Jenn floated, maybe I drowned. It doesn't matter. We all die. We all live forever. The helix. The spiral intertwined, the orbits, the circles. Life. I guess I'm just insane. I'm not manic. I don't have any answers, just an utterly strong conviction in my belief that I don't know. Behind I don't know, my truth is interconnectedness. My faith is in the Human race, one people, one love. But that's so cheesy. Only don't know. That's my motto. It certainly makes life a bit more of a trip. Just a slight move can really change a mans perspective. We get what we need. We appear and reappear and disapear. We die, and are reborn. Namaste. Aloha. Good night.