So the last one was rough, so we thought we would include our assignment for a baptismal rite for worship class. It's not your average fare, but you might get a laugh. But if you are having a hard time, like this lunatic is at this very moment, then may you be blessed. May light shine down upon you my brothers and sisters, and may we unfold beauty, truth, and miracles. Blessings upon you.
This rite will be non-traditional and would be performed on either children or in adult "converions." If there is water nearby, either open ocean (cleanliness to be taken into consideration), or fresh clean lake, or slowly moving river water, then these would be fine for either full immersion, or dipping and splashing depending on the initiates preference. If landlocked or in a church setting, a wading pool, bird bath, or a small bowl with blessed water can be substituted.
Leader in Normal text, initiate or family, people in bold. The theoretical initiate in this case will be named Frederick.
Welcome All to this blessed ceremony where we will cleanse Frederick and welcome him with open arms, offering the blessed life-giving water upon him, to symbolically cleanse him of all impurity, anger, pain, sadness, and confusion. God will come down in this way, blessing and purifying this water, and it will be poured over our dear friend and family member Frederick symbolizing his membership in the human race. (or he will be submerged).
Frederick, do you acknowledge that you are a member of the human race, born of the same blood as all other human beings, with your origin here, on this mother planet?
I do.
Frederick, do you acknowledge the Oneness of the Universe, the interconnectivity of all life and interdependence of all living beings?
I do.
Do you promise to work in this lifetime for the betterment of our human race, to take care of, and be conscious of, the planet which sustains your life, in its rotation around the power source of the Sun, to consciously work to leave this life supporting planet in a better, more healthy state, than it is today, for your relatives, the descendants of the human race, respecting your ancestors and The Great Spirit in this way?
I do.
Then Frederick, with this water, I initiate you into the fold of the Universal Spirit. Be cleansed. Be purified. By the power of the Universal Spirit, I wash all impurities from you, all negative energy from you, may all lies be swept away, washed away, be gone, may light surround you, may love surround you, may peace surround you, may you be happy, may you be well, may you be free from suffering. May you go out into the world Frederick and bring light, love, hope, faith, purity, joy, and truth into the world. Iwatchupa! Wetaha!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Friday, April 08, 2011
Mental Collapse
I sure feel like saying fuck it! Yep. I sure do. So what does that mean? Well does it mean that I’m absolutely wasting my time getting a seminary education when I absolutely disagree with the fundamental theology I’m surrounded by? I mean seriously. This is what it comes down to. If you were a rational person, would it drive you fucking crazy, the fundamental premise that the murder of a slightly outspoken, seemingly innocent Jew, with 12 disciples, 2000 years ago, equals the forgiveness of the sins of man? That’s right folks, homeboy gets killed for challenging the status quo, and then he becomes the only begotten son of God, who God offers as a sacrifice to atone for the original sin of eating forbidden fruit and deciding that walking around naked all the time could be improved upon? Maybe it was cold. Did anyone consider that? Give me a fucking break. I can’t take it anymore. This shit is driving me insane. It’s no wonder that seminaries are going out of business left and right. They are selling a fucking message that is way out of date! News flash! God, whatever God is, is cooler than the psychotic, jealous, little freak show that would tell “His” followers that it is forbidden to worship any other God before “Him.” God, whatever God is, does not need to sacrifice his only begotten son, because he “so loved the world.” God is bigger than that. Man sacrificed man. Not God. Man made up the story. Not God. We are the storytellers felch fuckers! Get a fucking clue. Sorry I’m not feeling more compassionate today. The Goose Wrangler is having a fucking nervous breakdown. Can he complete his seminary education? The question remains to be seen.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Another Day Another Dollar
The egg shell crates fell off the machete wagon with a crash,
While Monster Bug Wars played on the Discovery channel next to reality TV on History.
It all made so little sense,
with monkeys dancing around arguing on youtube and FOX News and CNN,
and making up religions and printing money,
and singing recklessly while wearing steak dresses and meat hats and tender loin boots.
All while advocating a vegetarian diet and getting stoned.
Yes, my friends, this was modernity.
Cold fried deforested Christmas trees and post-enlightenment apocalypse,
Nuclear Submarines swimming through radioactive water off the coast of tsunami land,
the lunch lady serving glowing green sushi
while the Nuclear reactor cleaning crew
wearing their Devo suits
have a cocaine fueled party with NASA astronauts,
looking forward to their all expense paid trip to Disney Land.
All this while while I sat in my kitchen looking up at Chinese calligraphy that says "Happiness."
Yep, everything is just fine here old boy,
counting down to the May, 21st Judgement day,
the day the judges re-date the billboards if we're lucky.
and oh the blessed You Porn, now you're watching on your I-PAD,
Preparing for the St. Patricks day parade.
In the men's restroom there is a drunk blond peeing in the urinal with disturbing sensuality,
who shows off her green panties in her left hand and smiles,
but the Hells Angels are nowhere to be seen in Los Gatos this year.
So we get a sense of the cosmos with telescopes,
from within this atmospheric bubble
and monitor the ozone layer,
keeping a tight grip on the illusory control module,
Fucking in the meantime
then wallowing in guilt and wondering what we should really be doing as the days tick by
and the years add up
while we hurtle toward a guaranteed exit plan,
where our used up bodies, whether fresh or wrinkled, will stop wiggling
and be disposed of by other "smart" monkeys
or some other animate life that we no longer relate to.
And so we say ALOHA
and enjoy our run-on sentences, loathing deeply our seminary education
as psychological warfare against an already unstable mind,
and wonder why,
ever a foolish thing to do
in a universe of non-existence, where the tulips pop up frequently
if you happen to be in the right garden,
but those damn plant stems wither and stink anyway,
although not to the earwigs, who rejoice in the decay!
Yes, my dear fellows,
the gelatin is in the henhouse again,
and the fat is jiggling,
while the bully yard is giggling,
and the dark Lord approaches,
riding a white horse,
laughing in the cosmic tide;
laughing my dear friends,
as he screams into the Ether:
"Ahoy, Is there anyone there?
These damn fools actually think I exist!
Won't somebody please tell them they invented me?!"
While Monster Bug Wars played on the Discovery channel next to reality TV on History.
It all made so little sense,
with monkeys dancing around arguing on youtube and FOX News and CNN,
and making up religions and printing money,
and singing recklessly while wearing steak dresses and meat hats and tender loin boots.
All while advocating a vegetarian diet and getting stoned.
Yes, my friends, this was modernity.
Cold fried deforested Christmas trees and post-enlightenment apocalypse,
Nuclear Submarines swimming through radioactive water off the coast of tsunami land,
the lunch lady serving glowing green sushi
while the Nuclear reactor cleaning crew
wearing their Devo suits
have a cocaine fueled party with NASA astronauts,
looking forward to their all expense paid trip to Disney Land.
All this while while I sat in my kitchen looking up at Chinese calligraphy that says "Happiness."
Yep, everything is just fine here old boy,
counting down to the May, 21st Judgement day,
the day the judges re-date the billboards if we're lucky.
and oh the blessed You Porn, now you're watching on your I-PAD,
Preparing for the St. Patricks day parade.
In the men's restroom there is a drunk blond peeing in the urinal with disturbing sensuality,
who shows off her green panties in her left hand and smiles,
but the Hells Angels are nowhere to be seen in Los Gatos this year.
So we get a sense of the cosmos with telescopes,
from within this atmospheric bubble
and monitor the ozone layer,
keeping a tight grip on the illusory control module,
Fucking in the meantime
then wallowing in guilt and wondering what we should really be doing as the days tick by
and the years add up
while we hurtle toward a guaranteed exit plan,
where our used up bodies, whether fresh or wrinkled, will stop wiggling
and be disposed of by other "smart" monkeys
or some other animate life that we no longer relate to.
And so we say ALOHA
and enjoy our run-on sentences, loathing deeply our seminary education
as psychological warfare against an already unstable mind,
and wonder why,
ever a foolish thing to do
in a universe of non-existence, where the tulips pop up frequently
if you happen to be in the right garden,
but those damn plant stems wither and stink anyway,
although not to the earwigs, who rejoice in the decay!
Yes, my dear fellows,
the gelatin is in the henhouse again,
and the fat is jiggling,
while the bully yard is giggling,
and the dark Lord approaches,
riding a white horse,
laughing in the cosmic tide;
laughing my dear friends,
as he screams into the Ether:
"Ahoy, Is there anyone there?
These damn fools actually think I exist!
Won't somebody please tell them they invented me?!"
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