Update on Modernity

I scratched my new goggles cleaning them with seemingly safe goggle cleaning material. What’s wrong with a cotton shirt or even the soft glasses case that came built in with my new high-tech jacket? I mean seriously, old sunglasses or goggles didn’t just scratch up at the slightest touch. Modern technology sucks; except for jet-packs, heat seeking hand-grenades, and Ipods when they’re working. Some poor woman in aspen was just arrested for dealing Xanax, which is clearly because she did not have the prized letters, d and r, before her name. No, there is no shortage of new news in our wonderful world of dumb. Man still seems to be looking for love in all the wrong places. Two satellites collide in space in a burst of passionate debris, which will orbit, twinkling stars of trash, for eons. Or the nuclear submarines the other day, whose metal tips kissed dangerously in the depths, giving a whole new meaning to British-French relations. How exactly does having these giant underwater dildos carrying nuclear WMDs, many times more dangerous than your average STDs, patrolling the waters of the earth, make us any safer? Or how about the woman in Connecticut with the pet chimp? They slept and bathed together, she dressed him in cute little outfits, allowed him to sit at the dinner table, and he even used silver wear and brushed his teeth, which is more than can be said of many husbands out there. It actually sounds like a pretty healthy relationship. Straight people should be able to marry, gay people should be allowed to marry, and both straight and gay people should be allowed to marry a chimp. Let’s get the Aspen City Council on this right away. We can even put this item in front of that proposed main street median they wisely backed away from. At least the chimp didn’t abuse his own woman, just her jive talking friend. Who wouldn’t have just ripped her face off? I mean she was trying to get him to move and he was enjoying a good Xanax buzz (no connection to the alleged Aspen dealer as far as I know). Now that we’ve gotten the chimpanzees out of the way, let’s get onto Eric Holder, our new attorney general who isn’t satisfied with how the races are mixing on weekends. I was also convinced that our country was still pretty damned racist beneath our salad bowl facade, but then we elected a black president, which made me blink, maybe Holder didn’t notice the color of the man he’s working for, who was raised mostly by a white woman, who I imagine he spent many of his weekends with. Furthermore, there are many tan white people who are blacker than Eric Holder and his little Inspector Clouseau mustache. Not that we aren’t cowards, though, he may be right about that, but I think he needs to ease up on the race thing because it shouldn’t matter what color we are since we are all the human race. If we are all the human race then those of us who have taken an introductory anthropology course know that we are all African Americans around here, even the Native Americans. Our ancestors are all from Africa, where they started walking on two feet and got handy with tools, millions of years ago. Let’s not forget the discoveries at Olduvai Gorge, and one of them they named Lucy, not Shaniqua, contrary to popular opinion. OK, so now that we’ve established that we’re all Africans, it really shouldn’t matter what color Africans, black, white, green, yellow, or red, we are dining with on weekends, or whether we are eating watermelon, fried chicken, burritos, Pad Thai, or caviar with Fiji water. Which brings us back to our cowardice, our inferiority complexes, our rocket propelled grenades, and our giant nuclear dildos sliding quietly beneath the seas as we launch giant flaming phalluses into the sky.