Ipod Nightmares and the Corporate Machine

I'm only 27 years old, but I can remember the good old days, when the customer was always right. I keep being reminded that in the world of today, that's just not true anymore. I keep coming into contact with these corporations, and despite their human representatives, I am continually reminded, by these "corporate interactions," that I am not a man. I am a dollar.

I own an ipod and a PC, and it's the ipod I have to thank for getting me out to see the Apple machine at work. I was in New York a few days and have now visited a couple of the legendary Apple Stores, the mid-town store, which is a big fancy glass square, with underground shopping, bright white lit, hip 24-hours a day, and the down-town store, in center of cool SOHO, at 103 Spring.

What a crock this company is. They have suavely branded themselves so successfully, as the hip, indy, thing to be, that they have an army of zombies out there, who you can spot by our uniforms, often dressed in thrift/retro t-shirts, colorful shoes, overcoats, and scarves, with little white earbuds, we all think we are SO anti-establishment, so independant, and so in-the-know. We have "I"-pods, little symbols branded cool. White. And i'm just another Zombie, trudging the streets of New York trying to find the Apple store so I can get my damn ipod replaced because the headphone jack just stopped working one day, about 6 months into my new, utterly over expensive (it's gotten a bit cheaper since I bought it, but still $300 for something smaller than your hand...) 60 gig gadget. The ipod, in fact most Apple stuff, is big money gear, no matter how indy you think you are. I wonder how many folks have an ipod in Darfur? Somehow I don't think that's Apple's target demographic.

Now don't get me wrong, I think the ipod is awesome. I can carry around over 6000 songs in my pocket. It has made one of my life-long dreams ( of walking around with a soundtrack for my life) come true. I'm lucky enough to be able to afford one. This ipod is actually my second. So I guess I'm a loyal customer. I just want to talk about the deplorable fact that such a supposedly "cool" company treats it's customers (in this case me) not like a human being, but rather like another soulless dollar, falling, like an automaton, into their greedy little fingers. It made me feel sick. And it took my time, 4 days in New York City to get my ipod replaced, even while it was still under warranty. First the big mid-town store gave me the solid shaft. No appointments. I mean, I don't know how they can call their little support centers "genius bars," because all the lines of people with all their faulty equipment seem to indicate that Apple is the only genius in the room. I mean what makes us such faithful customers? I think it's that we are blinded by this genius brand. We think that Apple=Cool.

But they aren't cool at all. They are a corporate monster. They make products that break, and then you go into their cool ass stores and it's almost impossible to get out without buying something more. It makes sense, in this sick business way. Make an imperfect product that people think is perfect, and have your repair center (genius bar) inside your store, that way you keep the people who are most likely to buy from you (because they've bought from you before) right where you want them (in your store where they are most likely to buy from you again). That is Genius. I can almost imagine them brainstorming it out in a meeting at corporate headquarters. It does make "business sense." But it doesn't make people sense.

Now it could just be a coincidence that they got me into their stores 3 times, in as many days, just because my ipod headphone jack stopped working one day. I don't know, it could be. But when it comes to business there are so rarely coincidences. Most decisions are made with the bottom line in mind. What is the bottom line? We all know this now. It's not the well-being of humanity, or even the individual, or even the sales clerk, no. The bottom line is the profitability of the machine. It's not about OUR wellness. It's about "corporate wellness."

All I know is that once I made my appointment, made my way downtown to the trendy SOHO Apple center, got in line, checked in, got seated on a bench with 20 other waiting geniuses, waited 10 minutes to get in front of an Apple "genius," talked to this character and listened to him tell me why the best bet for me getting my supposedly under warranty ipod replaced was to pay 60 something dollars, and I'd get a possibly used ipod replacement with an extended warranty. hmm. I thought they would have just checked to see if my less-than-year old ipod really was broken, not by my own hand, and then they would give me a new one. Not quite. Not in the world of the Geniuses I guess. Nope. Instead, he just kept asking me questions, told me that the way it worked was that even though it's under warranty for 1 year, after 6 months it starts costing me for replacements... huh, then I'm just like "OK, no big deal, I'll do the 60 dollar thing, just give me my replacement." Then we two geniuses sat across from each other for 10 more minutes, while mr. Apple typed away I don't know what all into the computer, and then he told me there were no replacement ipods.

NO REPLACEMENT IPODS!! So I had made an appointment online, told them online the day before that I needed a replacement ipod, then next day went all the way down there, stood in line, did my thing, and then they tell me they don't have any ipods!! And listen folks! "I'm in the Apple store!!," down the stairs from the genius bar there is a display with every ipod known to man, people are buying them one after another. There are ipods in this building and the genius behind the bar knows it. We look at each other. I give him my George Bush smirk. He laughs uncomfortably, anticipating my next words, and says "I know, I know, we do have ipods here, but they are a different inventory... I can't give you a new ipod, even though we have bundles." Can they send me my new (used) replacement ipod? No. I need to go back to the store to pick it up. hmm. Strange. I must return to the store. Genius.

So I get the call a day later that my replacement ipod is in, I can come pick it up, pay a thirty dollar replacement fee, (60 dollars if I want another year of warranty), and aren't I lucky. So I go. I want a working ipod, and i'm willing to pay for it. The sad thing is that if they told me I had to buy a new one, I probably would have. (I am Zombie.) So I go, and I've told this story a couple times by this point, trying to process this scary information, and bouncing it off my friends and fellows, and I just go ahead and get in line with the other geniuses. I Wait my turn to sign in, they tell me to sit down, wait and I will be called in the order I was received. I finally get in front of a person. We go through the process. Keyboard keys are punched, numbers into the system, get my email (again), telephone (again), making sure they can find me should they ever run out of customers and need to remind me how cool they are and how much I need them. I tell the guy how these weird business practices seem kinda non-sensish to me. I tell this man the story. I've been here 3 times, I bought this ipod with the understanding that there was no "replacement" fee. I tell him that I thought 1 year warranty meant 1 year warranty, not "6 months then the fees start." I tell him my story. And here's this Apple trained guy, a worker, a cog in the Apple Machine, and what i'm saying makes sense to him. I got out my debit card to pay my fee, and with a smile he told me: "don't worry about it." He took his human initiative and waived the fee.

I couldn't believe it. I was actually right in my crazy thinking, and this guy actually heard me and agreed. Here we were, two human beings, and even though he worked for the machine, he still saw the reality of the wacky bottom line. He actually looked at me as a person, and not as a dollar sign. We were rebels then, and the scariest thing is that this actual customer service experience felt foreign to me. But man did it ever feel nice. REAL genius happened that moment at the genius bar. One human being looking out for the well-being of another. When the corporation beat me down, there was a man there to pick me up. So there is hope. "Every culture has the seeds of its destruction and the seeds of its redemtion." (MH. Scott, 1991)

Feeling happy, after my free replacement ipod, a gift from the real genius, having saved $ 60.00 dollars that would have been in Apple's fat pocket, I was feeling generous. I walked over to the goods department and bought a new pair of headphones and a new computer cable. Total: $75.00. I am zombie.